Feeling Feelings

One thing for certain is we will feel a feeling. Whether it be wanted or not. The different feelings that fluctuate through the day can be overwhelming at times. Experiencing the good the bad and the ugly; to know what feeling is to come would a wonderful superpower to have. 

Learning to feel the feeling is a feat in itself that may feel like an unattainable superpower but that is just the self doubt lying to us. Understanding the way we react to a certain feeling; do I shut down, do I get louder, do I cry, do I laugh, do I get mad. These are questions we need to ask ourselves, understand and recognize in the moment. 

One way to do this is journal right after the overwhelming part of a feeling has passed, if possible, the sooner it is processed the more accurate our memory will be. 

A life example from me; last night my partner and I took the kids to the park on their scooters. Sounds fun, right? Well sorry to ruin the wonderful thought of kids playing and laughing together, that didn’t happen this time. 

Going to the park we allowed the kids to be independent with a rule of stopping at the corner, waiting for us, looking both ways, then cross. 

My daughter, felt more independent we will say, she stopped and looked both ways and crossed. The one thing she did not do was wait for us, over two streets and for some reason could not hear the other four of us yell stop, one million times. 

Upon this she was then instructed to go back to the house while my partner and the boys continued their journey. She had a nice trip home. She was carried over my shoulders where she felt free to thrash and scream the four blocks home, it was a good bonding experience . There was a lot of words screamed into my ear from my six year old who apparently knows more cuss words than I thought. And my partner and I are hated and we ruin everything. 

At the moment I was, angry, so I thought. I was red, my heart rate was elevated, my tone sterner, my vision tunneled. After getting her home and in the bath to help calm down. I sat and felt my feelings. I journaled on my notes app about how I felt. 

I realized I was scared, I was worried, I was hurt, I felt unaccomplished in being a good father, I felt embarrassed that I was carrying a screaming kid over my shoulders. And I felt in trying to protect my daughter she lost all faith in me and now hates me (lost and discouraged). 

In doing this I was able to realize the mad feeling was really the lack of understanding the underlying feelings. Not knowing how to feel a feeling as humans puts us into protection mood. This, most of the time, leads to anger. The fight response, with me at least some flee. 

Just because I journaled does not mean my daughter will never have a breakdown again. It doesn’t mean I won’t get mad again. What it does mean is I have a better opportunity to allow myself to feel a feeling and react in a different way. Maybe just maybe knowing I feel scared will allow me to address the situation in a more caring way and not yell. “What are you doing we told you to stop”. Because the main thing I learned in doing this is my daughter has way less experience in feeling feelings. And if I can feel mine I can help her feel hers.