Is there a right way to parent?

I feel I am not a good dad at times. I feel like I am not able to guide my kids correctly or give enough. This is a struggle I have had since day one of being a father. The moment my first son was born I thought that I am not enough. Am I going to fail? This is an ongoing theme in my life, one of not feeling enough.

I want to think that I am not alone in this and if I am, I am still trying my best- I think. I have always wondered what it would feel like to just be so confident that I know I am killing the parenting game. I see other parents and they look like their kids are well behaved and have good manners. Then my kids walk in and I picture them as three thugs walking in to F-things up. Dressed in leather jackets holding baseball bats and brass knuckles.

Of course, that is not the reality but it encompasses my feeling. I see them and I am proud, they look cool, but then I also know not to challenge their gangster at the same time. Do not get me wrong I love them, they just scare me at times. I am joking of course but I do feel the fear of who will break down, who is going to hit who or who is going to get to close to the edge. The anxiety leads to over parenting and this leads to more escalation. It is a cycle I am trying to get out of.

I have spent hours pondering what I could do different. When should I have stepped back and took a breath? When should I have let them be independent to do their own thing and not have control? When should I peel an orange correctly to not make them lose all control of emotions?  Am I going to do better than my parents? Do they feel loved?

This of course goes deeper than me not feeling good enough for my kids. This low self-worth has been present all of my life, it just manifests in different ways at times. It leads to me wanting to do too much for my kids and take too much on for myself.

I have not come to an aha moment where I can now work through this and have the master plan to raise children “properly”. I am just sharing that I struggle too. If you struggle with parenting, know you are not alone.

I do feel like asking these questions and changing when identifying that I have not done something right or could have approached a situation differently, I am on the right track. Taking my mind away from, I want them to be raised better than what my parents raised me. Or that they have to live the life I never had. Is not helping them. It is my past affecting them.

The focus should be on what they need now. How can they be the best them and how I can be the best me. Evaluating and challenging myself to be better can do this. Hugging them, holding them, listening to them and letting them know they are loved is what is important in this moment.