Where is the love?

I was talking with a client, and it was an intense conversation – one of the conversations where a clinician starts to think a mandated report may have to be made. 

The conversation led to the thoughts of the client believing that “not being around” was the best option for the world. This is a really touchy subject. As a clinician providing mental health therapy, this statement can go many different ways. 

In this instance, I know the patient. I knew they were safe in the moment, and we used this opportunity to open up more. We used this opportunity to let some pain out. This pain was released by voicing fears that came out first as resentment. Resentments of past wrong doings and distorted thoughts of how the future will be just more pain of living a life that drains one of hope, drive, and love. 

After allowing this individual to voice their grievances toward the world, we began to expand our thinking. We recognized the fear of the past repeating. We recognized the pain of feeling worthless and unlovable. We discussed what not being in the world would look like. 

In our conversation, the idea that the individual’s kids would be better without them was brought up. Not being able to provide, not being able to demonstrate a healthy life, and just feeling so down with low self-esteem can make us believe that even the ones we love so much would be better off without our love. That led to the thought of having no purpose on this earth, resulting in “Why should I stay?” 

And that’s where as a clinician I felt it was time was to challenge – to validate and introduce another viewpoint. We discussed that due to trauma, the patient could not feel love. For the patient, love was a fleeting thought, a lie. Then we had an “aha” moment. A moment of an opportunity to motivate. 

I ask the client, “What is one thing we may not feel we have, but can still give away?” The answer was right there; the answer was waiting for them at home; the answer was Love. And love is still the answer. 

We discussed the pain that would come with the individual no longer being in their kids’ lives. We identified the best person to show or give love: someone that always wanted to feel it but was never given the opportunity. It’s someone that can allow a safe space for their kids where they don’t have to feel alone. It is the hug that is so tight our energy transfers and oxytocin rises – that kind of good hug. 

After the discussion revealed some thoughts of selfishness, I reframed with the statement, “Our purpose on this earth may not be just for us.” In a time of crisis, it is hard to think about others and expand beyond self. As humans, we focus on self to preserve life, however futile that may be. Our animalistic brain is programmed to live.

I pushed a little further, “What if everything we’ve been through is for them (the kids)? That doesn’t mean what we went though was okay or right, but because of that, we are now in a position to protect and give love.” It is important to consider the idea that we do have a purpose, that maybe there is more for us, and just the simple thought of “there is love in my life.”

After our discussion, the individual I was talking to had another tone; they could see purpose and hope. In this moment, I saw someone go from being lost to seeing a path to take. Love can be given no matter what we have been through. It’s been my experience that the ones that hurt most can also show the most love. 

But this is not always the case, and heck, I don’t know if this person will even think this way the next day. But the seed has been planted. This is why I do what I do. I’m like Johnny Appleseed but with hope. Ole Joseph Hopeseed here. I want to plant the seed that there is more for you – an idea, that if you water it and help it grow, can make your life just a little bit better. 

Thank you for reading,

Joe